Lost in the Mire

Where to begin....

This whole year thus far has been a rough ride emotionally and spiritually. Inner balance and peace went flying out the window replaced by anger, frustration, incredulity, sadness, and a sense of bewilderment at the the happenings and direction of the entire world.

It started with this being an election year in my Country (The United States of America) and just became a rabbit hole eventually. It was starting to get bad last year but this year it all came to a head for me. So many things from all directions just seemingly going to shit and the energy of that overwhelmed me.

Being an intuitive and an empath is not all it's cracked up to be. Yeah yeah...a ton of people, especially those under the "Pagan umbrella" claim to be empathic and for most of them it is the minimum that all people are gifted with if they know how to notice it. Many times I have wished that were the case for me. It would have made life so much more bearable more often than not. Like many true empaths, it's not something I can turn off and on at will and it's not subtle...at all. I can't just decide to get a sense of someone. I can't deliberately have knowledge others don't about someone or a situation. I can't "make it happen" like in those cheesy Hollywood movies. No, for me it comes when it comes. Sadly the opposite is also true more often than not and I also cannot deliberately "turn it off" so I'm not overwhelmed by the swirl of emotions, desires, energy all around me. That too, comes when it comes. I've gotten better at ignoring it or deliberately isolating myself from it but that comes at a great cost to my social life which is already restricted enough for various mundane everyday reasons. Sometimes, however, there is just such a tidal wave that, short of living in an isolated cabin in the middle of an old growth forest just myself, my husband, and our pets, I can't escape it. Often I don't even notice that it's building...building...building until the negative energy is a tsunami and I find myself struggling to stay emotionally and spiritually afloat. That is what has happened to me over the past several months culminating in a spiritual and emotional exhaustion, a deep well of sorrow and anger, basically a very heavy negative energy cocoon or web that held me in it's dark grip.

My Primary Guide threw me a lifeline rather than let me drown or take on any more water. He would have done so sooner but there was  sorely needed lesson I had to learn in this experience and he had to allow me to experience it as fully as possible just short of losing me to it. I wish I had been wiser, stronger, more awake and aware that it was happening. I wish my Guide hadn't needed to throw out that life preserver. All the truths I knew had been forgotten, or maybe had been slowly but surely overcome, by that unproductive negative energy.

Why is that so often the way of it? Why does it seem so easy for that nasty diseased energy to gain so much control over individuals, then groups, then Countries? It's the kind of energy that at first seems to feed a person. It makes them feel engaged, vibrant, strong, and powerful. It's a drug, that kind of energy. A taste leads to a reaction, that feeling of power. It whispers lies in your ear that you are "fighting for the good" and originally that may actually be true.
That's what makes it so insidious. That tiny ounce of soul-sucking, spirit-crushing poison hiding itself within an ocean of sweet-tasting truth. Before you know it you're months down the road and you have been taking in more and more of that poison until the sweetness of truth has faded into the false power that anger, pride, etc gives you. What once fed you has also starved you without you even knowing it. You were filled with empty spiritual calories feeling what you think is full but, if you are lucky, realize you are actually spiritually and emotionally starving to death. You have totally lost your peace, your balance, your sense of self, and all too often, your ability to offer others those things. You have, in all aspects, become that which you had initially started railing against. 


Now I must stop swallowing the poison. I must find my balance. That means staying away from those things which have been the source of the energy that I've allowed to overcome me until I am no longer so easily lose sight of my ultimate self and goal. I must dig my roots deeper...so much deeper...so when the storms rage I am not so easily swayed. Only then can I raise my voice to try to change what needs to be changed in the world. If I can not raise my voice in love, if I cannot be a peaceful warrior both in my inner self AND towards the world, if I cannot be part of the solution rather than adding heat to the problems...then I am not ready to jump into the fray. Doing so will only add more poison.