Us and Them

I am truly amazed at just how much UGLY rabid party loyalists from both parties can blurt out and the seriously low depths to which these loyalists can stoop. I've seen more vileness erupt from even people on my own friends' list than I thought possible and all founded on two things: politics and religion. If you aren't "one of us" then be prepared to be called all sorts of vile things , all semi-indirectly of course, so those involved can claim "innocence" and say "I was only linking a news item!" blah blah blah. I'm talking about about name-calling, and other shockingly divisive language which I certainly won't repeat here.

I have never, in my life, expected that some of the people on my own friends' list had THAT much ugly, that much hate, inside them! It doesn't surprise me coming from the public at large, that is sad in and of itself, but coming from people I supposedly know somewhat well or even very well! I personally have been called a troll for daring to visit pages I discovered via a friend's postings simply because I shared a different political viewpoint that was not in lock-step with their own. WOW! Surely I'm not the only person on FB that discovers other FB sites, or sites on the internet at large, by clicking on links shared by their friends...but to be called names by someone I dearly love for it?! Just....wow.

I am terribly disappointed with the rabid political loyalists from -both- of the two main parties in the United States. They are spreading as much hate, rage, name-calling, truly below-the-belt pot-shots, sexual slurs, racial slurs, and so on than I have ever seen. The far left "Liberals" (not to be confused with your every day moderate Democrat) and the far-right (some of which are part of the Tea Party but not all and not to be confused with moderate Republicans) should ALL be ashamed of themselves! Good grief! Do any of you people actually -read- with open eyes and hearts the truly horrendous ugliness that is pouring from your internet pens? Do any of you think this HELPS the Country come together to solves it's problems or does it just pour more poison into the pot to cause as much damage as possible to us all? What, in the name of basic decency, is WRONG with you people?!

This emotion, this "hate" is growing by pandemic proportions and it branches out to every issue and strata of the world, every person is being touched by it in some way. Division is becoming "the norm", even praised, and "compromise" has become a dirty word. It's a win-at-all-costs ideology I see emerging and frankly, it's more than a little nauseating and I have growing concerns for the future of not only my Country but my planet.

There is however a small ray of hope, a pin-prick of light in the seemingly ever-increasing gloom. Moderates. Those who acknowledge the differences in view or ideology, see the dangers of division-based "us vs them" thinking as though it is necessary for one group to dominate another, and still dare to hope and work for a future based on coming together rather than pulling apart. True moderates don't bury their heads in the sand. They know there are vastly different ideas of how to accomplish a desired goal, and even that some goals themselves may differ. They know that there will likely never be that perfect fit where everyone gets everything they want. What makes moderate different is their responses. True moderates are champions of honesty. They aren't blinded by party or religious loyalty to the point where their particular group is deemed to do no wrong while it's always the -others- fault for whatever issues have arisen. No, moderates will be the first to look just as honestly at their own group's gaffes as the others because what moderates want more than anything is not to be right or dominate, it's to move forward with what will make thing better for -everyone- not just themselves. Moderates don't start slinging slurs, don't jump up and down frothing at the proverbial mouth while pointing at every else screaming "Do it my way only, I'm right and you're a blankly-blank!". Moderates diligently hunt for the common ground and seek to build on it because they know that a sound foundation built on common ground is much less prone to being toppled. Why? Because those who stand on a commonly-held foundation are (usually) not foolish enough to undermine it. While not perfect because everyone must surrender a little bit of what they want to allow for what others want, it's absolutely the best way to build peace and unity. I hope there are enough of us to shift through the rubble once the radicals are done andbuild something wonderful out of it.

Adinkra symbol from West Africa which
represents an idea and proverb. The symbol
pictures two crocodiles which share a stomach.
The symbol implies the need for unity
when there is a shared destiny

There is no room for "hate" and the rhetoric of hate among moderates we always find within the radicals' circles. Moderates actively, calmly, and respectfully talk to one another about their differing views, differing ideas of ways to proceed, and they actively listen to each other too. There is no room for right-fighting, name-calling, or bullying.

Maybe I'm just dreaming. I sometimes wonder. Maybe I'm expecting too much of this world's people that they would -want- to live in peace and unity when in actuality they simply want to be on top, to rule, to be dominant over anyone that is "other". Is it so much in our human natures that we destroy each other and ultimately ourselves in the process?

As for my name-calling friends, I'm simply not engaging any longer with anything of any nature. These person(s) want, or maybe need, the security offered by "group-think", an echo-chamber existence where the lines between "us and them" are solidly in place and "them" are always wrong and have nothing to contribute. Rage, hate, vitriol is their daily diet lately and I have to realize that they have the right to chose this for their life. Me? I chose peace. I chose honesty. I chose unity over division. I chose compromise wherever possible. I chose to find the common ground and encourage people to build on it. What I have to stop doing is expecting people who are so entrenched in their hate, the rage, their poisonous diatribes...to see anything else because they are truly not capable of it. That's what this type of poison does and I cannot undo it. That has to come from within a person. They have to -want- the higher ground, the peaceful path, unity over dominance. I can't force them to want it. It's been a painful lesson

Memories of Rape and Rage

Free use stock photo rape victim

I read a post on Facebook that triggered all the dark places inside me. The dark memories, the dark emotions, the dark cold places where shame and rage live. It all came flooding back as though I have never worked on releasing these things when, in truth, I've worked at letting them go for years and years. Every time I think I have a handle on it, that I've made progress, something happens and I find out that the progress I thought I made was all surface window dressing, a pretty facade to hide the truth. 


Between twenty-five and thirty years ago, I was gang raped. Such a small simple sentence to describe one of the turning points of my life. I was held down and five men took turns violating me to the fullest extent. Being paraplegic, I couldn't kick, or run or struggle. All I had were my arms and my mouth. My arms were quickly and easily subdued as I was laid out upon the hard ground. I could feel the uneven ground beneath my back, the clumps were grasses grew, the small rock that dug into my my lower back. Before they placed a hand over my mouth I begged for my life. I was sure I was about to die since I knew them by sight, fellow students on my university campus. I could point them out easily. I worried that it would hurt, my death. I'd had enough physical pain in my life up to that point and I couldn't bear the idea that I would die in horrendous pain from being strangled or suffocated or being beaten to death. To die that way, after having lived with so much pain nearly every day of my life just didn't seem fair...not fair at all. That thought sped through my mind but I didn't have time to examine it as I was in a struggle to just live second to second...to bear what was happening and whatever would happen next. 

Time ceased to have any meaning whatsoever. Everything was happening so fast but in slows motion at the same time. I had no time to process anything that was happening but simply lived inside the experience as it occurred. It was the strangest sensation, that timelessness. To literally exist outside of time and have only the now and what was happening in it was the only way I describe how it felt. Psychologists may have labeled this as a disassociative state.

Obviously they didn't kill me. They didn't beat me. They had their fun and left me there on the ground with my clothes laying nearby. It took a while, how long I do not know, to even want to move. If I moved, if I looked up, then it all became real somehow. I had this weired idea that if I simply lay there quietly everything would remain unreal. I didn't want to make it real so I laid there. And laid there. And laid there. Nothing changed. It didn't melt away like ice cream in the sun. It was horribly, solidly real. I rose to sit up and scrambled to put on my dirty clothes. Dirt caked onto the sticky skin of my thighs where five men had spent their pleasure all grunting and laughing and cheering each other on. My arms were sore from having been stretched over my head and held down for so long. A few bruises were already making themselves at home on my wrists and upper arms. I managed to climb back into my overturned wheelchair and push it to the campus police station. I needn't have bothered.

When I arrived at the campus police station and announced that I had just been raped they began to take my statement and all that jazz. It looked like the ball was rolling for justice to be done. I was focused on that, on justice. When they found out who the rapists were the whole machine came to a screeching grinding halt. That was the first time I'd ever heard the term "diplomatic immunity". They were the sons of foreign dignitaries. No rape kit, no report, no pressing charges...no justice. I was sent back to the dorms after the campus nurse tended what she called "superficial wounds". The end. Finished. Put it behind me, they said. Every year since then for three more years I saw my rapists. They would grin at me. Put it behind me? I wish it were that easy. 

What was the comment on Facebook that set me off? It was a public post, shared many times by those who read it and it said:

" Ladies if you are going to use your body as bait.. How could you complain if a shark bites?"

I want to be able to let go of this anger, this feeling of being robbed of justice. I can see the good that I can do others because of my experience but I still am pissed as hell anyway. 

Spiritual Honesty: An Introduction to This Journal

So much has changed, shifted over the past several months. My old journal simply didn't fit any longer so here I am starting fresh. Sometimes a person simply outgrows what was. Whether it's their clothes for size or style, their choice of career, or their spiritual journey; a person knows when it's time to step out of the old and embrace the new. It can be scary. The old is comfortable, familiar, safe. The new is unknown, uncharted, and we wonder if it's even dangerous. Will we be okay or will we fall? What will others say? Will we be undone inside by disapproval or are we as internally strong as we hope or think that we can live out loud regardless of the acceptance, or lack of it, from others? Do we risk it or do we risk the stagnation the safe road could bring? All these questions and so many more have been at war within me up until the very moment of typing these words.

What can you expect as you read this journal? Fair question. I am done pretending. I am done pretending to be spiritually together during those times when I'm actually a mess for fear of not looking "spiritual enough" to others. I'm done pretending to not know the answer for myself when I actually do for fear of the disapproval of the masses who may not resonate with my truth and express their disapproval in no uncertain terms. I done saying "the spiritual thing" when it's not what I -really- think inside myself. It is time. It is time to be honest. Honest with myself. Honest with anyone who decides to read this. What you can expect is a wild teeter-totter ride where at times I seem to one person and at other times someone else. You will be invited in where there will be no pretense. There will be times when I am so put together I'm joyful, understanding, loving, peaceful, and others when I seem to have lost all ground and am wallowing in the lowest possible emotions of fear, anger, pettiness, and judgment.

Why am I doing this? Isn't going to be intensely personal? I'm doing this because so many in the spiritual community, regardless of their chosen spiritual path, do not show their trials, their failures, their struggles -as they happen- but might talk about them once they have a nice tidy resolution. Most spiritual people, usually out of shame or fear, will not bare their ongoing struggles while they occur. What is the result of this? The result is a facade. The result is that others who have the same struggles think they are alone or compare themselves to everyone else who always seem to have it all together all the time. I know I did. Once in a while I still catch myself doing it but am able to recognize it and redirect my thoughts to those which are self-loving rather than self-condemning...at least usually. Having come this far, with so much further to go (because we never really arrive), I thought maybe I could share my journey in an attempt to not only have a journal for my own satisfaction but so that anyone reading it can know they are not the only ones who have asked those questions, struggled with those doubts, felt that joy and so on. To answer that second question, yes. This will be intensely personal, scarily so for me. How can it not be and still remain honest, real, and transparent?

What this journal is not:  This is not an attempt to sway anyone from their own spiritual path, to tell someone who has a different perspective that they are wrong and I am right. It is not a forum for disparaging those who have different beliefs than myself.